He's not perfect but no one is. Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. The issue isnt about hating your partner. can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. The best El Paso TX information website. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. . An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. And I would assume husband had an OK upbringing, hence the promise to always look after mother. Are you happy within yourself? 7) You Have a Dysfunctional Idea Of What a Marriage Should Be. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. June 18, 2015, 1:43 pm. She never lets him get discouraged. . The stress that would put on me every day. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. Im absolutely not saying it would be okay for her to cut ties from the MIL when she and her husband are finally able to and leave her to fester without getting her proper care, but I totally can understand how the LW feels so panicked about the situation, and how she doesnt want to spend the rest of her life continuing to live in the same house as her MIL, as it seems her husband wants to. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. honeybeenicki Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? If you listen to more of these unpleasant experiences or witness them, it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage. I dunno. Start by making your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. 2. I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. I dont know the details of this promise your husband made, but to me, caring for someone can be accomplished in numerous ways. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. something random No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. Oh, come on. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. As much as love brings you together, know that you will face some challenges, such as financial constraints, housing problems, issues about children, etc. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. It happened to my cousins daughter, although she wasnt pregnant. Not sure what youre talking about. Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? Much of the therapy I do with these particular patients involves forcing them to confront the deficits that they refuse to see in themselves since their strokes. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. )and its very different. The honey thing? Also, I dont really like my MIL. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. Maybe she needs a more active social life. something random There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. My mom put whiskey on my gums. Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. something random That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. something random Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. I just read your comment again. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. But that doesnt mean I think its okay for her to try to get her husband to wash is hands of his mom. Im with Wendy. Stop wanting and do it. And she is still getting a free place to live and wants to continue getting a free place to live and not move out right now, until she gets a job. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. Id look into a home health aide. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". I kept thinking what if you need to be taken care of someday by your husband? What do I mean? We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. The womans her MIL. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. It wont make him change, and guess what? If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. They are inseparable. Your spouse had children before he or she met you. Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. So you talk to your husband and you move out. He talks to his mom about it. That would help a lot with the hygiene. Theres a nicer way to present it. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. . June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. It will complicate your marriage more. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. something random Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. For a few weeks or months. Radical thought, I know Sigh. It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. TaraMonster If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. Those arent excuses. honeybeenicki And maybe it wouldnt be too hard. to solve the problem. Overall, I feel for you. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. We don't see mil very often for many reasons. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. Why do I hate my husband? And I wasnt even the primary care giver! But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? I find myself, however, drowning in internal protestations of "I deserve to be treated better.". Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. And I still think the LW is being a jerk. Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. Not My Promise. In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. 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